I was exceptionally honoured last week to be the guest speaker for the Tarot Guild of Aotearoa. The Guild meets once a month and there is always an interesting presentation given by men and women who have a fascinating history of tarot work and depth knowledge. So when Fern asked me to present I was really, really honoured, even though my biggest fear is speaking in public. Seriously, I cannot even explain how big this fear is. I’m talking colossal, gigantic waves of panic and fear that go through me when I have to do this kind of stuff. It started in high school – actually, it started before then when I was a school kid in Romania, and you had to stand up in front of the class and be questioned by the teacher on the day’s lessons. It goes way back, and it has only escalated as I’ve gotten older, to the point that even sitting in a small group of people and having to introduce myself gives me a panic attack. Heck, someone has even given this thing a name.

What can one do? Well, I could say no and not do it. But I love tarot and I want to go a really, really long way with this. If you find something that really helps you in life, something that guides you through some pretty dark times, and something you love – you’ve got to share it with others. No need to preach – but if the opportunity comes, don’t knock it. I am very lucky that I know the root causes of this fear, and I have been introduced to tapping work (EFT). Yes, when I first read up on EFT I thought it was crazy, but seriously, it works. It’s even put me to sleep a couple of years back when I had insomnia. So I did a lot of tapping, and a lot of pretending in my living room (I hope the neighbours didn’t get freaked out by me standing in the middle of the living room talking to… well, no one). And it all went according to plan, as much as one can for an hour-long presentation – with very little nerves once I got the ball rolling.

I gave a talk on the Haindl Tarot, because it is my all time favourite deck, but more importantly, it’s got such a depth to it that is very rarely seen with a lot of decks these days. The messages, the vision, and the spiritual philosophies contained within speak to all of us, they speak of the political, environmental and spiritual paths that currently challenge us. My only regret with regards to going overseas is that I will not be in NZ to attend the Southern Symposium in June where there will be a screening of the documentary on the making of this deck.

I’ll be in a mountain town in Romania at the time – most likely reading with the Haindl tarot and doing yoga in between chatting with my grandma. 🙂


  1. Monica I so admire your bravery and Fortitude for saying in public on your blog how it feels for you. The talk you gave was given with such poise and mana. The content was so rich and engrossing. The wealth of information and insight you gave to us, your audience, was immensely productive and informative – you are a born teacher you know!!!
    We would never have known how nervous you were – truely!
    Thankyou for sharing and thankyou for being you and thankyou for the great presentation you gave for Hermann Haindl – he would have been chuffed! Brava. It is a blessing to know you

  2. No Fern, really, I thank you. Honestly, it was such a highlight to be able to do this. I do feel really honoured. Never in a million years did I think I’d be giving a presentation at the Guild when I went along to a meeting back in… 2008!! I look forward to coming back in the future after more study in Melbourne 🙂 Your comments are much appreciated. I’ll be seeing you soon to discuss my Mercury conjunct Uranus conjunct Midheaven… Big hug xx.

  3. Monica, what a lovely write-up! And I’m so pleased that you were asked to speak (and that you spoke!) The Haindl is such a jewel. I also love the intricacies and details. I adore Rachel Pollack’s books on the deck. I would really like to see the documentary on the making of the deck.

  4. Thank you Zanna. Well, you can always attend the Symposium!! 🙂 It’s in a great beautiful setting, I can’t believe I’ll be missing it. Rachel Pollack mentions in her books she looks forward to reading all about the Court Cards when someone will write up a more comprehensive book on them. Now that’s a project worth saving for 🙂

  5. How wonderful! Congratulations on being asked to give a presentation, and (almost moreso) for overcoming your fear of public speaking! I know how you feel, I’d almost rather take a major beating than give a speech. I wish I could have been there, I would have loved to hear about this deck. It’s not one I have, but I am really liking the images you’ve posted here.

  6. Congrats! I know how debilitating fears can be, and especially when there’s such a public element, but I’m glad you get to do things like this anyway.

    I’m also glad you get to drink tea in Romania with your grandmother. I hope you have a wonderful time. 🙂 I need to go drink tea with my grandma in Dallas…

  7. Thank you – there is so much in this deck, I’ll still be learning in 10 years’ time. Definitely want to get into runes and I Ching in the near future and this deck brings everything together. I look forward to the day when speaking in public will be a breeze. And you know what helps with that: practice! ;D

  8. Thank you Mentha. Yes, tea and grandmothers – there’s an umbilical comfort in that, a sacred coziness that I will try and respect and be as much as possible present and conscious. You most certainly gotta take a trip to Dallas 🙂 and post some pics too… 🙂

  9. No way! Thank you so much!! That’s great, really. I knew I wasn’t the only Haindl fan out there 🙂


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